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Meet the seven fitness tribes of lockdown (you definitely belong to one of them) – British GQ

Posted: February 14, 2021 at 4:52 pm


Lockdown mark three has divided the population of the UK into two distinct groups. For one it's meant digging into that #sofalyfe with more fervour than ever before, drinking wine and killing time (no sitting in the summer sun, mind); for the other it's a state of affairs that has resulted in a new found preoccupation with every type of exercise known to man.

In addition to being good news for the latter group's collective health, the uptick in physical activity has also resulted in a host of sweaty sartorial wins and arguably more interestingly a rash of deliciously egregious, nylon-based style crimes.

Here, to help you identify which exercise bods you've been spotting from your front room or, indeed, to aid you in figuring out which type you are, we've pulled together a foolproof guide to the seven fitness style tribes of lockdown.

The ultra-wicking merino wool and down-clad love child of Jamie Dornan in The Fall and Claire Ice Cold" Underwood, The 5K Killer wears exclusively black save for the occasional flash of charcoal to, y'know, brighten things up a bit. He spends excessive amounts on his kit his favourite brand, naturally, is ultra-hip goth gear manufacturer Satisfy and he only goes out running at night in a bid to add an extra layer of mystery to his already homicidally infused allure. Thinks running gloves are for wimps but likes the way they make his stranglers, sorry, hands look in the dark.

The Super Novice can be found at the park, throwing in the towel due to the fact that he's picked skinny jeans, a band tee and a pair of Converse All Stars as his jogging outfit (though he's not fully aware that's the reason he's struggling). Forever puffed out, often a little paunchy and perpetually endearing in his nose-to-tail cluelessness, The Super Novice may be new to exercise, but anyone who's able to run farther than a metre in canvas basketball shoes gets a gold star in our book.

Short of going out for his daily power walk (an activity he took up during lockdown mark one at the behest of his wife of 25 years) in an actual Zorb, this guy isn't taking any chances when it comes to exercise. For the cotton wool warrior it's all about wrist guards and knee bandages, trainers that are one step away from FitFlops in their depth of cushioning and insulating jackets that are fleecy to the point of being slightly obtrusive. When it comes to cycling, his other activity of choice, he'll throw anything and everything at the pursuit of not breaking a bone. Apart, perhaps, from stabilisers. Though now you come to mention it

You've heard the phrase all the gear but no idea, well this guy is the living embodiment of that sentiment. His bike comes from Specialized, Cannondale or Pinarello; he's got an entire drawer dedicated to exercise lights and he's been known to spend upwards of 200 on solar-powered water bottles. Cycling is his game (or at least it has been since he took it up three weeks ago) though he also has a great collection of weightlifting shoes, which he wore during the great Crossfit phase of 2019. Loves to play with the (exclusive-to-subscribers) draw your own routes function on Strava, though he'll rarely actually cycle them. Why would he when he's just installed a Peloton in the front room?

Perhapshe's an Under Armour ultra; maybe he's loony for Lululemon. Either way The Label Loyalist knows the fitness brands he likes and sticks to them with near-fanatical fervour. Branding must be visible, hues must be matching and fits must be perfect to the point of crotch-contouring distraction. This guy is big on Instagram (22,000 followers and counting!) and he hosts his own afterwork fitness classes on Zoom. Prefers teaching yoga to high intensity, however: sweat patches do not a sweet sponsorship deal make.

This guys knows how to run a wardrobe IRL he's a long time fan of excellent cuts and varying shades of blue but when it comes to exercise, good taste doesn't get a look-in. Running gear to him is about two things and two things alone: function and visibility (he doesn't want to risk that pretty nose being smashed by a lorry's wing mirror, after all) and therefore the brighter and more clashing his sweats are, the better. Think Timmy Mallett doing a fun run in a banana costume and you'd be somewhere around the right starting block. Favoured items include neon-orange Hoka One trainers , an ultra-reflective silver hoodie from Nike with matching headband and a pair of palm print running socks from Stance. Better safe than stylish, amiright?

Never has a man missed the gym more. The workout widower is terrified of loosing muscle mass, so instead of excessive park cardio he opts for pavement press-ups, tree branch pull-ups and the occasional al fresco boxing session. It doesn't matter that it's minus-two outside, there's never a top to be found on this guys's torso and he's never not furious-looking. Though that's probably less to do with his gym bereavement and more to do with the steroids.

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Meet the seven fitness tribes of lockdown (you definitely belong to one of them) - British GQ

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